A Bend Marriage Counselor on Rebuilding Trust After an Affair

December 1, 2014 by

A Bend Marriage Counselor on Rebuilding Trust After an Affair

If your or your partner engages in an affair with someone else, it can have devastating consequences for the relationship. For some, there’s no coming back from cheating. It’s a betrayal so vast that they simply don’t believe they can stay with their partner anymore. One of the biggest reasons these people mention for leaving their straying partner is the fact that they just can’t trust them any longer. If they lied about something so big, how can they know that the person hasn’t been lying about other things or won’t do it again?

These are entirely valid concerns, but there are ways to move forward for those interested in repairing the relationship instead of moving on from it. To that end, below you’ll find 4 things to do to help you rebuild trust with each other after an affair.

Be willing to confront. If an affair has just been uncovered, adding more confrontation to your relationship is probably the last thing that you’d think would help, but when done right it can help. When you can confront someone with the truth in such a way that it brings understanding and reconciliation, it actually increases intimacy because you’re both showing that you think enough of each other to express your true feelings. Of course, you don’t want to mistake this kind of honest confrontation with a simple attack on the other person, so take care.

Be boring. Or, if that sounds too harsh to you, be “consistent” or “predictable.” One of the best ways to build trust is for both partners to act in ways and engage in activities that their other half knows and understands. Create a schedule and stick to it. Don’t just start doing something new. You might think that suddenly joining a gym will show your partner that you want to look your best to them, but they’re likely to suspect ulterior motives.

Tell the truth. This may seem obvious, but if you really think about it, there are a bunch of little ways that most of us lie to each other every day. Yes, of course we took the garbage out! (Better do that now…) Certainly that new workbench you built looks good (and not like it’s going to fall apart…). We say these kinds of things to protect ourselves or our significant other’s feelings, but whenever we’re disingenuous in this way, our partners can sense it. Instead, find a way to answer honestly, but also positively.

Check in. After you’ve caught your significant other cheating, it’s common to worry about what they’re really doing every second that they’re out of your sight. But you can go a long way towards alleviating this problem by coming up with a check-in system where the straying partner regularly contacts his or her spouse with updates. This is especially important if and when there’s a deviation to your normal schedule, because those are the kinds of changes that breed fear.

Interested in learning more ways to rebuild trust? As a Bend marriage counselor who has helped repair a number of relationships after an affair, I have a wealth of information that I’m happy to share. Contact me to learn more about how marriage counseling can work for you.