A Bend, Oregon Marriage Counselor Asks Why Affairs Happen

October 8, 2014 by

“Why?” That’s the number one question that always comes up when people come to see me after experiencing an affair in their relationship. “Why did they do it? Was it me? Was it something that I could have stopped?”

There is no one answer to why someone ends up engaging in an affair. A relatively small percentage of people actively seek them out because they can’t commit to a monogamous relationship or hope to use the affair as a sort of “bail out” from the relationship when their partner uncovers what’s going on.

However, the vast majority of people who engage in affairs aren’t intending to cheat. Typically what happens is that they end up meeting someone who reignites a part of themselves that they didn’t even know was there still and they succumb to this surprising sense of romance and eroticism.

Of course, that’s just why people end up going through with it. If you ask men and women who have cheated what caused them to do it, you get some interesting answers.

Does Your Sex Matter in Why You Had an Affair?

We’re constantly bombarded with messages that tell us how different men and women are, but when it comes to cheating is this really true?

Men who cheated often say they did so because they felt like their spouses didn’t appreciate them or because their partner wasn’t into sex anymore.

Women who cheated often say they strayed because their partner wasn’t giving them enough attention or wasn’t a match for them sexually and refused to do anything to change that.

Both men and women list an emotional and a sexual reason that led to their cheating. At first glance, their reasons appear to be a bit different, but upon further inspection they are actually quite similar.

The men who say their partner wasn’t into sex may have just had a partner who was fed up with the fact that they weren’t compatible sexually and he wasn’t doing anything to fix the problem. And “not getting enough attention” and “not feeling appreciated” are practically the same thing. It comes down to people cheating because they feel like they don’t matter enough to their spouse.

And it can even be boiled down further, because many of the issues related to those feelings could probably be resolved if both people just communicated better.

Let a Bend, Oregon marriage counselor help you improve the communication in your relationship. Contact us today!