Are you giving up on your marriage too easily? asks Bend Marriage Counselor

January 14, 2014 by

After 30 years of working with couples, the unequivocal answer is—yes! There are good reasons to divorce, but from my experience they are the exception not the rule. Usually marriages fall apart because each blames the other for their problems and feels righteously justified defending their viewpoint without looking at their contribution to the relationships demise.

Why do people need to blame each other? There are as many reasons as there are couples. One predictable pattern is thinking your partner is your twin! When you begin dating your life is happy because your needs are getting met. You both have the same values and want the same things. Then you get married and it all changes. What is happening? It can’t be your fault. Your partner has changed. You feel betrayed.

Another pattern often emerges after you hunker down and buy a house, work and raise kids. All of your energy goes into raising the kids and paying the bills. Then the kids grow up and leave. There is nothing left of your relationship. You discover you are no longer attracted to your partner. As a Bend Oregon Marriage Counselor I have heard over and over again, “I love him (or her), I’m just not in love with him”.

Every couple that comes into my office has their own relationship story. Sometimes one person has already left the marriage. This is always so sad because it need not happen. The one who is leaving really did love their partner at one time. In far more cases than not, with some work and effort, they can turn it around and “fall in love again”.

If you fall out of love, our culture tells us that it must mean you are married to the wrong person. But as a Bend Oregon Marriage Counselor, I have to say this is not the truth. You are married to someone who, just like you, wanted to love and be loved. Your relationship goes through predictable patterns that all committed couples go through. You didn’t marry yourself. You both have a learning curve to navigate. You need tools and information. You can change course and end the negativity. You can find your attraction again and create love you never thought was possible. And who better to create love with than the one you already committed to for life?

Don’t give up—take our tools to create lasting love. In just one weekend you will have the opportunity to rediscover your love for each other.