Bend Marriage Counselor says incompatability can lead to real love

July 23, 2013 by

One of the reasons this Bend Marriage Counselor has appreciated Harville Henrix and Helen Lakelly Hunt is they have literally “mined “ the unconscious purpose of loving relationship. So often the cultural myths of finding, growing and sustaining real love are not what most of us experience in our personal journeys. Here are some of my “take-aways” from the Attract Your Soulmate Now* series is Arielle Ford’s interview with Hunt and Hendrix.

  1. Understand your unconscious agenda—Romantic love is the selection process by which you fall for some who you think will meet your needs. It fuels the acceptance of your partner. Your conscious agenda is compatibility. We do choose a partner who has similar values, social awareness and intelligence.  Paradoxically, your attraction is fueled by incompatibility. Your partner is an “other” and your incompatibility creates the energy you need to grow. Learning about the needs you bring to a relationship and expressing them respectfully, and listening to the needs of your partner and seeking to meet them brings real love.
  2. Nature is complimentary—A relationship that grows into real love is both/and, not either/or.  Opposites attract and it’s the creative tension that gives the relationship the opportunity to grow. “Compatibility doesn’t have the energy” according to Harvile Hendrix.  Helen Lakelly Hunt states that in order to achieve real love both partners need to learn relationship skills so that we can be each others’ “hero and shero.”
  3. Find someone with the capacity for self-reflection: “the ramp to committed relationship is curiosity, sharing and vulnerability.” When a potential partner “can’t be curious” and develop “awareness to the context you are in, you don’t have a working partner” states Hendrix. Hunt and Hendrix follow with the red flags that let you know when your new love interest isn’t going to bring real love:
  • If after 45 minutes of meeting they haven’t asked about you—that’s a problem
  • They occupy all the space in the room
  • They put you down or can’t show interest in you

At Bend Oregon Marriage Counseling we excel at assisting you to grow real love in which curiosity, reflection, responsibility, equality and mutuality are all hallmarks of rock solid relationships. Consider taking The Keeping The Love You Find Workshop for Individuals and learn to create the relationship you deserve! Contact Tim Higdon MS LPC for more information and to sign-up.

*The Attraction Paradox, notes from Harville Hendrix and Helen Lakelly Hunt’s interview by Arielle Ford for her Attract your Soulmate Now Series.