Bend Marriage Counselor says “What’s in it for me?” dangerous question

September 18, 2014 by

What’s In It For Me?



At Bend Oregon Marriage Counseling we often find couples start the counseling process when they are one step away from ending their marriage. Feeling that your partner takes good care of you is a sign there is most likely reciprocity in the relationship, which is a sign of a safe and connected marriage. But when the question, “what’s in it for me?” starts being asked, the marriage is in trouble. Frequent blaming and criticizing is a sign that you are turning away from one another.

Often this pattern starts with small behaviors like drinking a few beers and zoning out with the TV every night or answering your emails during times you used to talk and connect. Staying at work later or needing to be at the gym in the evening can be another indicator. Spending time with friends or the children instead of taking a walk or having a date night can take the place of time for your relationship. None of these activities are a problem in their own right, but if it comes at the expense of your relationship, it’s time to pay attention.

Add a few arguments that don’t get repaired or resolved and you have a recipe for losing trust in your marriage. Couples may not see the toll that unresolved conflict and avoiding time together takes on their relationship. When you are not building and maintaining intimacy, distance grows. What started with so much hope for a life long journey together is in danger of the sad outcome of parting ways.

Asking yourself the question, “what’s in it for me”, will keep you in the negative pattern you helped to create. What you are really saying is, “there must be someone better out there”. When your partner realizes they are no longer “it” for you it is devastating for them. Then, no matter how hard they work to make things better they may feel it’s not good enough…so why try? This is the dilemma many couples find themselves in when they have avoided their relationship needs for too long.

Many couples throw in the towel at this point. At Bend Oregon Marriage Counseling we say: It’s not too late! Couples can, and do, decide to turn their negative pattern around. It starts with a commitment to work to make things better. Instead of, “What’s in it for me” consider asking, “What does my relationship need from me”? When you ask this question and act on the answer, your relationship will improve.

Take the Getting The Love You Want Couples Workshop. It is designed to restore connection. Follow it with a few counseling sessions and you will find that you will fall in love all over again.

Contact Tim Higdon MS LPC to get started restoring your relationship now.