Bend Oregon Marriage Counselor asks: “What Do Men Want More of?”

May 30, 2013 by

Most of us think the answer to this question is men want more sex. Not so according to an extensive survey of 100,000 respondents to a survey from The Normal Bar by Christina Northrup, Pepper Schwartz, PhD and James Witte, PhD. Flying in the face of accepted cultural and media wisdom, the number one thing men want most from their partner is communication. According to the results of the survey this is a world-wide phenomena. Unhappy men say their partners “just don’t talk or listen attentively enough.”

Coincidentally, the number one thing women want most is the same thing—communication. The data bears it out and it is apparent that communication is a really big deal! So, why do couples stop talking and listening to each other? At Bend Marriage Counseling, we have seen many couples get stuck in a pattern of negativity when differences surface. This usually occurs after we say “I do” and move in together. It’s as though our brains realize we found someone and we don’t need all those attraction endorphins to keep romance alive. As the endorphins naturally begin to fade you may begin to notice that your partner doesn’t always see things the way you do. This can be disconcerting when you based your relationship on how alike you are. Defensiveness leaks into your relationship and negativity increases. This is where couples run into problems with communication. They begin to criticize, blame, shame, condemn, withdraw, stonewall or shut down. When this happens arguments and/or long periods of silence can damage a good relationship. According to research, most couples struggle for seven years before they seek help.

This Bend Oregon Marriage Counselor says you can end the negativity and conflict and replace it with effective, positive and loving communication! This is the “learning curve” all couples have with each other. The Normal Bar points out that both men and women think they are good communicators, but that their partners are not. Seeing our own part in communication problems with our partner is important— we’re 50% of the miscommunication problem. Don’t struggle for seven years. Get help now and you will grow an amazing life together. If your relationship is already on life support it’s not to late. You can restore your connection, heal and grow that loving feeling again.

At Bend Marriage Counseling there are many ways to learn effective communication. Consider taking Couples Communication 101 or tools to create lasting love for Couples. For those “stuck places” in your relationship consider some couples counseling sessions.  Or contact Tim Higdon MS LPC to begin couples counseling. With a little effort you can “fall in love” all over again”.