Bend Oregon Marriage Counselor believes most couples want intimacy but fear it

December 9, 2013 by

Think about it, we fall in love and believe we have met the person that will always be there for us, want the best for us and love us just the way we need to be loved. And, all we need to do is go to the county court house, plop $50 down, have some form of a ceremony, say “I do”, and live happily ever after. Sounds simple, yet couples have about a 50% chance of a success with their first marriage and a 22% chance of success with their second and third marriages. With such lousy odds of success why do people continue to couple up?

It is often misunderstood that the reason couples have so much difficulty is that, while we all want an intimate relationship, we are actually scared of intimacy. The culprit is your unconscious emotional memory. This is the part of our brain that is activated as we commit to someone. We come to our adult relationships with this wiring already laid down in our brain from our experiences in childhood. Our brains are always on the look out for danger. It says: “if I get close you might hurt me”, “this is going so well it’s bound to fall apart, or “if I get close, you might leave me.” Then, the emotional memory in our brain continuously looks for evidence to prove the fear. When it detects something similar to a childhood hurt or fear, we use defensive behavior to protect ourselves. As this becomes a pattern in the relationship couples begin to relate defensively (i.e. criticize, blame, nag, shut down, argue, etc). We exit the relationship in small ways. Some of the more popular ways are social media, children, emails, television, hobbies and work. We begin to spend more time on personal activities and less on our relationship. Over time this can lead to more distance and larger exits such as affairs, addictions and divorce.

This Bend Marriage Counselor says, “you can get past the fear and have a close, intimate relationship even if you have been stuck for years!” In order to do this you must recommit to your partner, your relationship and to a process that brings back the connection. And those exits need to be closed. This doesn’t mean you can never watch television or answer an email or play golf again. It means you stop using it to avoid your relationship. It means you put your relationship first!

Take up the challenge to set a new course that brings you into connection and real love. Take the Getting the Love You Want Couples Workshop and in just one weekend discover you can get past the fear and fall in love all over again.